Happy Birthday Drew

My son Drew is 32 years old today.  He has brought me much pride and joy along with a considerable amount of heartache and aggravation.
I was a terrible mother in many ways. 
I was a great mother in other ways.
He aggravates me, annoys me, irritates me but I would kill or die for him. 
I'm glad he is my son, I would n't have changed a thing.....well maybe a few things.
I would have been a better parent.
Happy Birthday Drew!

Chaos, panic and disorder

Some times you are forced to realize that life is not what you thought it was. That the control you thought you had was an illusion. Until you learn the secret that so few people know or even want to know: that this world, with its joys and its sorrows and its structure and its chaos is really just a sorry imitation of how the world was meant to be.

Holy Crap

I have 48 days to completely clean this entire trash heap I laughingly refer to as our home.
This should be fun.
An Old close friend of Johns is coming to visit.
Holy Crap

Ambulance Ride

Nothing starts a day off like a ride in an ambulance,  I had planned on cleaning out the bedroom and setting up the bed, but instead I called 911 and rode to the hospital in an ambulance.  What felt exactly like a heart attack was once again the nerve under my shoulder blade.  This one was a different, this pain kept blooming, and this little voice clicked in my head, "You are going to die, call 911." The most horrible 5 minutes of my life unfolded at that exact moment,
I never want to feel that way again.
I never want to see the panic on my husbands and grandsons face.
I will do whatever it takes to accomplish this goal.

John has surgery tomorrow.  He has a blockage in his heart.  Not in the artery, but the heart.  For some reason, this time is different.  I didn't worry about him the first three times around.  This time it is different...this time I am filled with so much dread over this surgery.
We are praying for a good outcome.
I have started Fly*lady cleaning again....
Wish me luck.
Pray for John.
Let me keep him a little longer.

The Surgery

Cindy's surgery went well.  Stage one ovarian cancer.  8 weeks recovery, chemo every three weeks after.  The did the warming solution chemo while she was still on the table,,,  It wasn't a benign tumor, it was cancer.  What a horrible phone call from Angela.  "They just told me my mom has cancer!" So there... it's cancer, but the best time to find it...stage one free floating.

Followup appointment

No problems, we are all clear for surgery on the 31st at 10:30.

Dr. Leslie

We touched on Cindy, John, Drew, political views. I took the app off my phone that was driving me crazy. Hold yourself accountable for what you are eating? Write it down. Acknowledge it....ummmmm before it was Nope, too scary. Now it's more Ride out the emotion. After 48 years you would think that would be easy, but its much easier to eat something to make that feeling go away.
I guess there was a reason that I always envied those people who just just bust out and scream, cry and yell. And it only took 48 years and a great therapist to help me figure it out!

Biggest Loser

Is it wrong to watch Biggest Loser while eating leftover Christmas candy? we have watched it and ate cheesecake! Most of the times we just watch while drinking coffee. Tuesdays are reserved for Robin, and the Biggest Loser. I can't really explain why I have no interest in any other (semi)reality show but this one. I can only imagine it is the Captain Obvious answer. :)
To stand on a stage and allow yourself to be weighed on national television....ye gods, a nightmare that even Tim Burton couldn't imagine. That would only be the tip of that iceburg also. Share your feelings???? Are you mad?????
So for now, we will keep watching Biggest Loser, and rooting for our favorites while trying to keep the candy to a minimum.

Cindy and the Doctor

We drove to Northside for the doctors appointment. "You have a tumor." was all she remembered the doctor saying. We spent the next 9 days trying to convince her of the positives. You are post menopausal, really bad news is never given over the phone, 90% of these are benign, etc... We ignored the little wisp of fear that crept in periodically.
The doctor came in, I wrote everything down. Grapefruit size mass, 2 hour surgery, 3-7 days in the hospital, worse case, best case, everything.
He wanted a CT scan, skip the stress test, she had one during her physical, then a surgical preop appointment on the 26th, surgery on the 31st. So now we wait.

Self Medication

We had an awful fight. Over prescription pain medicine. I simply cannot understand why he wants to just stay so gorked out that he falls asleep eating. I had to go get him out of the grocery store last night. Yesterday I found him on his hands and knees scratching around in the carpet for remnants. Really? Has this what his life has come to? He hates his life so much that he has to medicate himself to this point. I have hidden the two almost empty bottles and im sure than when he sobers up enough he will be pissed. Oh well, that's just too bad.
I have taken on the attitude of, "Sucks for you."
Actually I am so pissed at him that I don't care how mad he gets. I am going to do what I need to do, including cleaning the room up and moving the bed in there. We have only lived here a year, it's time to get the bed set up.
Depression, drug abuse, mental and physical illness...... what a hoot.

Busy at work

Today our regional manager comes for a semi annual store visit.
We rushed through a 1400 piece truck yesterday and got it checked in.
Over the last 4 days I have been on a cleaning binge thanks to an upper respiratory infection and prednisone therapy. The store is ready. We have gotten through the post holiday cleanup, the filing of the proper paperwork, everything is set to the marketing plan. Let's hope this visit is a good one.

Envy

Today was my mother's birthday, she would have been 86 years old. Allthough she passed away 16 years ago, there is still a tiny part of my heart that is incomplete.
I envy people who still have their parents.

New Years Resolutions

Over the years everyone makes resolutions at New Years. Most of them are forgotten before the end of 6 weeks. Most are remembered occasionally, when something petty is said, or a temper flares, or our pants are a little tighter than we wish.
Each year I vow to:
Be a better person.
Lose weight.
Read a book a week. ( That is actually a GOOD resolution!)
Follow Flylady and declutter my life and house.

Those 4 have always been there, along with other random "learn a new language, hobby, etc."
315.3
This year, add to the core, a few more.
I will live more in the moment...instead of planning for later.
To deal with my emotions instead of eating them. That is not as scary as it once was, through long talks with Leslie, and alot of crying in the car it's easier every time it happens. How frightening and wondrous those emotions are when they come out. Sort of like having a mini mental breakdown for 10 minutes!
I'm tired of lurching from crisis to crisis in our lives. Let's set a course and set out to find an improved me. :)

Happy New Year

We toasted New Year with Martinellis Sparkling Apple Cider in front of the firepit. John, Kyle, Drew and I watched fireowrks and wished each other Happy New Year.
May this new year be great!